Voyeuring Myself

I don’t want this to be to an online diary where I dump my secrets and feelings in hopes that somebody will read them and care, but before I start to derive unseemly enjoyment from observing others, I have to talk about an activity we did in my stand up comedy class last week. This class is everything from figuring out what you think is funny to writing jokes to getting comfortable speaking in front of people all the way to performing a 3-5 minute set. While it is incredibly scary – like improv – it is also exhilarating and loads of fun. The class gets homework every week to do things like write simple jokes or watch comedians we have never heard of perform. This week, we had an assignment to reflect on ourselves. The idea was that when you walk on stage, people make assumptions about you immediately, without even really thinking about it. People will make assumptions about you based upon what they see just the way you make assumptions about them. It could be negative, it could be positive, or it could just be that you look like someone famous. Our assignment was to try and guess what other people will assume about us. The point of the exercise is to see how self aware you really are and to see if what you think people think about you is actually what they think about you. And how do we test this? First, you make a list of the things you think people will say. Next, each of us takes a turn standing in front of the class while the other 12 people hurl their assumptions at you – good or bad. Talk about being scared and vulnerable in front of strangers. I was terrified that I was going to hear something that would hit one of my insecurities dead on that might actually bring tears to my eyes in front of my class. These are the thinks I feared I would hear:

• You are not from here
• You are younger than you look
• You are shallow
• You are paranoid
• You have a lot of nervous ticks
• You are really concerned about what other people think of you
• You could stand to lose 10 pounds
• You think you are a lot smarter than you actually are
• You are really concerned with image
• You act entitled
• You are self-absorbed
• You would rather drive your car than walk or ride a bike
• You would rather get a mani/pedi than volunteer your time
• You have never worked hard a day in your life
• You are materialistic
• You fear success because you know you will never be successful

These are all of the ways that I fear I’m perceived. I am sure there are more, but the more I think about it, the more it depresses me, so I had to stop this exercise a little early with only 16 items that could suck about me. Also, these are the worst things I can imagine hearing people say about me. Being as brave as I could be, I volunteered to go third and this is what I actually heard:

• You are a student
• You are really organized
• You are so organized that your closet scares the shit out of me
• You have a cat
• You have a lot of positive affirmation in your life
• You like Radiohead
• You are the kind of person who forgets your keys in the door
• You are condescending
• You enjoy a quiet night in curled up on the couch with a bad movie
• You have a niece or nephew who adores you
• You have a lot of friends
• You are the kind of person who a lot of people share their secrets with because they trust you, but you don't necessarily share your secrets with a lot of people
• You spend a long time blow-drying your hair
• You don’t drink very much, but when you do, you get out of control
• You drink Appletinis
• I see beer drinker for some reason
• You shop at the farmer's market
• You are a pretty good cook
• It's important to you to make your parents proud
• You are quick to make friends but once someone falls outside of your favor, they can never get back in because you can hold a grudge like no one's business
• You wear the pants in the relationship. And the shirt.
• You played soccer

Not as bad as I thought, and I always fear the worst. I didn’t die, so the worst possible outcome did not occur. I want to deconstruct some of these because I found them to be 70% true.

Not True:

• You are a student – I was for 25 years, but not right now. I was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans though. And I’m hoping that means I look young.
• You are really organized – eh, kind of. My closet is sick and in ROYGBIV order, but everything else could use help.
• You have a cat – My husband will asphyxiate if we have one in the house, so I can’t. I wouldn’t mind one, but I prefer dogs.
• You are the kind of person who forgets your keys in the door – it’s only happened to me once in my life, and it was a story I told on the first day of class, hence this comment.
• You are the kind of person who a lot of people share their secrets with… – I’ve never seen myself as the friend that gets confided in. Not the last to know, but also usually not the first. I’ll pay attention more next time and see if there’s any truth to this.
• You drink Appletinis – sacrilege. The guy who said beer drinker was correct.
• You shop at the farmer's market – No, but only because I don’t know where it is. Finding beautiful fresh produce makes me really happy for some weird reason.
• You played soccer – never did, and I regret it. I could have had amazing legs.

And the ones that were true:

• You are so organized that your closet scares the shit out of me – like I said, ROYGBIV order, separated from casual to formal and then my length of sleeve, starting with spaghetti straps.
• You have a lot of positive affirmation in your life – I have amazing family and friends who make me feel so loved every day, so I can’t complain.
• You like Radiohead – Yes. I wonder what gave it away. Is that the band that people who still want to be cool even if they are not still say that they worship?
• You are the kind of person who forgets your keys in the door – Actually, I realize now that I’ve left my keys in the ignition of my car twice. One time, I left the keys in the ignition with the car off but the door open. The other time, I locked my keys in the car AND left it running. But that’s different… I think.
• You are condescending – Yes, but I was hoping that it didn’t come across so readily. After someone yelled this one out, the instructor followed up with “but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.” Well, I guess as long as it doesn’t come across as an “I-think-I’m-better-than-you” thing. I wish I wasn’t so judgmental and furthermore, I wish it wasn’t visible on my face. When I’m thinking, “why didn’t you finish school?” or “what the hell made you think you’d be a good parent?” I just wish that I could control my face from contorting in that way. This one was the most fascinating and most troublesome to me.
• You enjoy a quiet night in curled up on the couch with a bad movie – Bad comedy, yes. Bad Rom Com, hell no. I don’t know why it is that I can’t stand romantic comedies, but I love fairy tales. Maybe I prefer the dreams coming true aspect of it and not just the “I-found-someone-so-my-life-is-complete” thing.
• You have a niece or nephew who adores you – I like to think so.
• You have a lot of friends – I like to think this too.
• You spend a long time blow-drying your hair – Yes, I have a ton of hair and the biggest round brush on the market. And it takes me for-EV-er to dry and smooth it all.
• You don’t drink very much, but when you do, you get out of control – Unfortunately this is true for 2 reasons. “I don’t drink very much” in that I don’t drink very often anymore and “I don’t drink very much” in that it only takes 2 drinks me to be at my limit.
• I see beer drinker for some reason – This person followed Appletini guy. And he was correct. I’m a simple, domestic light beer kind of girl. A very cheap date.
• You are a pretty good cook – I’m trying. I like to think some component of it is genetic because my parents are fabulous cooks.
• It's important to you to make your parents proud – Absolutely. They never pushed me into any certain kind of occupation when I grow up or discouraged me from anything. Unfortunately, I made all of these decisions myself and let my fears guide me away from other things. I’m getting better at becoming more fearless and still making them proud.
• You are quick to make friends but once someone falls outside of your favor, they can never get back in because you can hold a grudge like no one's business – I wish this wasn’t true, but it is. I am seriously lacking in the forgiveness department.
• You wear the pants in the relationship. And the shirt – Yes, I am outwardly bossy in my relationship, but he's the boss when he needs to be.

Suffice it to say that these are my areas I can improve on. But in the meantime, prior to self-improvement, these are the areas I can exploit when making my first impression and telling my first joke.