Let me be your Indian friend

Now I’m not the most Indian person in the world. There are real Indians – in India – who are much more Indian than me. My parents are both Indians from India (yes dots, not feathers), and they tried as best as they could to raise me to be Indian and proud of it. The first 18 years or so were difficult, but it’s really grown on me. While I am not an end-all-be-all source of what is true about all Indians, my first generation Indian-American upbringing in an Hindi-speaking Hindu household makes me a pretty decent source.

Now I know that I’m not the most Indian person in the world, but if you haven't any Indian friends, let me be that friend for you. Let me be that person who you can ask all of those uncomfortable or perhaps socially awkward questions about India and it’s culture. If I can’t answer your questions, I will check with my Indian mother. If she cannot answer your questions, I will turn to my old friend, google.com. Between the 3 of us, we pretty much know everything anyway. To embrace my role as your Indian ambassador, let me start with a preliminary lesson: Hindi v. Hindu. This is why you never ask if someone is Hindi or if they speak Hindu.

Hindi is the primary language of India, but just one of hundreds of dialects spoken in India. Hindi is written in Devanagari script, read from left to right like English, but the letters hang from a line on the top. If you were writing on notebook paper, you would start on the top of the lines instead of on the bottom and you’d also draw a line to connect the letters of each individual word. Like this, but upside down. Hindi comes from Sanskrit, an ancient language that isn’t really spoken anymore, but still found in its written form. Hindi classes are commonly offered at universities in the U.S. and Hindi instruction is also available on Rosetta Stone. There are literally thousands of Hindi movies that you can watch with subtitles to learn the more colloquial variety, and they include fun musical numbers and hilarious attempts to blend with Western culture. I highly recommend any films that are directed by anyone with the last name Johar. So that’s Hindi in a nutshell.

On to Hindu, but let me give the disclaimer that I am no Hindu scholar. Hindus are the people who practice Hinduism. Hindus number more than a billion and Hinduism is recognized as the third largest religion in the world after Christianity and Islam. Just as there are many dialects of Hindi, there are many different kinds of Hindus. The best definition I’ve come across was on the back of a t-shirt printed at the temple I attended growing up. I wish I could remember it verbatim, but it was basically that Hinduism is a diverse body of religion, philosophy, and cultural practice native to and predominant in India, characterized by a supreme being of many forms and natures, a belief in reincarnation, and by the view that opposing theories are aspects of one eternal truth. Let’s pick this apart a bit, but let me give the disclaimer that this is only meant to be informative, not to enrage you or convert you.

A supreme being of many forms and natures – This is probably the most misunderstood concept of Hinduism. “Don’t y’all believe in a bunch of different gods?” Well, no. The D/FW Hindu Temple Society’s website explains that:

Hindus believe that even though God is One, He manifests differently at different times to different people according to their need and faith. Further, they believe that He bestows His Grace on humans in whatever form they worship Him.

Long story short, each of the different Gods you may have heard about are incarnations of the same supreme being. These are the same God, presented in different forms. Knowing that, consider the Hindu view that opposing theories are aspects of one eternal truth. For example, if you are a good Christian or a good Muslim, God will bestow his grace upon you according to Hinduism. No need to actually be Hindu. In Hinduism, the Hindu God isn’t different from any other God, so if you live right according to your religion, you are all set. This reminds me of the first time someone told me to “Go to Hell.” I remember thinking (but not saying, as I didn’t have the balls (literally)), “Why don’t YOU go to hell? That’s part of your religion anyway.” Hinduism, like most religions, is an inclusive religion, as long as you don’t ask the fundamentalists, I guess.

Belief in Reincarnation – An explanation of the Law of Karma is pretty essential to understand what Hindus mean by reincarnation. The D/FW Hindu Temple Society’s website explains that:

The Law of Karma can be simply explained by referring to the fact that whatever one sows, that one reaps. Karma is misunderstood as encouraging fatalism. On the contrary, it puts the full burden of one’s salvation on one’s own shoulders. Good living bestows good karma and bad living brings bad karma. One takes birth according to one’s karma to reap its fruits and work it out. Thus the human birth presents a rare chance to nullify one's past karma while making it possible to move closer to God. Human birth is not easily obtained and it is unwise to waste it in ignorance of God.

The concept of rebirth is related to the Law of Karma. All Hindus believe that the soul is indestructible, eternal and deathless. It is only the body that decays and drops off. The soul simply takes on a new body according to its karma. The ultimate goal of all created beings is to reach God and escape this endless cycle of birth and death. This reaching of God is called Moksha (Freedom).

Sounds a bit existential? Probably. Did you defraud hundreds of people for your own personal gain and spend a few years in the federal pen? Saying sorry or even being truly sorry will not be enough in this life for Hindus. Yes, it is kind of a bummer, but let this be an incentive to act right… right now.

And now for the best question of them all: “Do y’all worship cows?” That issue is best addressed by PBS in a special called NATURE: Holy Cow. Click here for the synopsis. I’ll sum it up in what I remember being told as a child. Lord Krishna, an important figure in Hinduism, was a shepherd (see, every religion has a shepherd!) and known as the protector and lover of cows. Not inappropriately, so please, don’t even go there.

So there you have it. Let that be your cultural lesson of the day. There are not people who are Hindi, but there are people who speak Hindi. Those same people can also be Hindu, but they don’t have to be, because Hinduism is a religious, philosophical, and cultural practice. It’s like a Venn diagram, Hindi speaking is one circle, and Hindus are another. There is a wide intersect, but one does not always mean you have the other. So now you know better than to ask if someone is Hindi or if they speak Hindu. And shame on you if you are a Hindi speaker or a Hindu and you don’t correct this mistake!

Voyeuring Myself

I don’t want this to be to an online diary where I dump my secrets and feelings in hopes that somebody will read them and care, but before I start to derive unseemly enjoyment from observing others, I have to talk about an activity we did in my stand up comedy class last week. This class is everything from figuring out what you think is funny to writing jokes to getting comfortable speaking in front of people all the way to performing a 3-5 minute set. While it is incredibly scary – like improv – it is also exhilarating and loads of fun. The class gets homework every week to do things like write simple jokes or watch comedians we have never heard of perform. This week, we had an assignment to reflect on ourselves. The idea was that when you walk on stage, people make assumptions about you immediately, without even really thinking about it. People will make assumptions about you based upon what they see just the way you make assumptions about them. It could be negative, it could be positive, or it could just be that you look like someone famous. Our assignment was to try and guess what other people will assume about us. The point of the exercise is to see how self aware you really are and to see if what you think people think about you is actually what they think about you. And how do we test this? First, you make a list of the things you think people will say. Next, each of us takes a turn standing in front of the class while the other 12 people hurl their assumptions at you – good or bad. Talk about being scared and vulnerable in front of strangers. I was terrified that I was going to hear something that would hit one of my insecurities dead on that might actually bring tears to my eyes in front of my class. These are the thinks I feared I would hear:

• You are not from here
• You are younger than you look
• You are shallow
• You are paranoid
• You have a lot of nervous ticks
• You are really concerned about what other people think of you
• You could stand to lose 10 pounds
• You think you are a lot smarter than you actually are
• You are really concerned with image
• You act entitled
• You are self-absorbed
• You would rather drive your car than walk or ride a bike
• You would rather get a mani/pedi than volunteer your time
• You have never worked hard a day in your life
• You are materialistic
• You fear success because you know you will never be successful

These are all of the ways that I fear I’m perceived. I am sure there are more, but the more I think about it, the more it depresses me, so I had to stop this exercise a little early with only 16 items that could suck about me. Also, these are the worst things I can imagine hearing people say about me. Being as brave as I could be, I volunteered to go third and this is what I actually heard:

• You are a student
• You are really organized
• You are so organized that your closet scares the shit out of me
• You have a cat
• You have a lot of positive affirmation in your life
• You like Radiohead
• You are the kind of person who forgets your keys in the door
• You are condescending
• You enjoy a quiet night in curled up on the couch with a bad movie
• You have a niece or nephew who adores you
• You have a lot of friends
• You are the kind of person who a lot of people share their secrets with because they trust you, but you don't necessarily share your secrets with a lot of people
• You spend a long time blow-drying your hair
• You don’t drink very much, but when you do, you get out of control
• You drink Appletinis
• I see beer drinker for some reason
• You shop at the farmer's market
• You are a pretty good cook
• It's important to you to make your parents proud
• You are quick to make friends but once someone falls outside of your favor, they can never get back in because you can hold a grudge like no one's business
• You wear the pants in the relationship. And the shirt.
• You played soccer

Not as bad as I thought, and I always fear the worst. I didn’t die, so the worst possible outcome did not occur. I want to deconstruct some of these because I found them to be 70% true.

Not True:

• You are a student – I was for 25 years, but not right now. I was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans though. And I’m hoping that means I look young.
• You are really organized – eh, kind of. My closet is sick and in ROYGBIV order, but everything else could use help.
• You have a cat – My husband will asphyxiate if we have one in the house, so I can’t. I wouldn’t mind one, but I prefer dogs.
• You are the kind of person who forgets your keys in the door – it’s only happened to me once in my life, and it was a story I told on the first day of class, hence this comment.
• You are the kind of person who a lot of people share their secrets with… – I’ve never seen myself as the friend that gets confided in. Not the last to know, but also usually not the first. I’ll pay attention more next time and see if there’s any truth to this.
• You drink Appletinis – sacrilege. The guy who said beer drinker was correct.
• You shop at the farmer's market – No, but only because I don’t know where it is. Finding beautiful fresh produce makes me really happy for some weird reason.
• You played soccer – never did, and I regret it. I could have had amazing legs.

And the ones that were true:

• You are so organized that your closet scares the shit out of me – like I said, ROYGBIV order, separated from casual to formal and then my length of sleeve, starting with spaghetti straps.
• You have a lot of positive affirmation in your life – I have amazing family and friends who make me feel so loved every day, so I can’t complain.
• You like Radiohead – Yes. I wonder what gave it away. Is that the band that people who still want to be cool even if they are not still say that they worship?
• You are the kind of person who forgets your keys in the door – Actually, I realize now that I’ve left my keys in the ignition of my car twice. One time, I left the keys in the ignition with the car off but the door open. The other time, I locked my keys in the car AND left it running. But that’s different… I think.
• You are condescending – Yes, but I was hoping that it didn’t come across so readily. After someone yelled this one out, the instructor followed up with “but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.” Well, I guess as long as it doesn’t come across as an “I-think-I’m-better-than-you” thing. I wish I wasn’t so judgmental and furthermore, I wish it wasn’t visible on my face. When I’m thinking, “why didn’t you finish school?” or “what the hell made you think you’d be a good parent?” I just wish that I could control my face from contorting in that way. This one was the most fascinating and most troublesome to me.
• You enjoy a quiet night in curled up on the couch with a bad movie – Bad comedy, yes. Bad Rom Com, hell no. I don’t know why it is that I can’t stand romantic comedies, but I love fairy tales. Maybe I prefer the dreams coming true aspect of it and not just the “I-found-someone-so-my-life-is-complete” thing.
• You have a niece or nephew who adores you – I like to think so.
• You have a lot of friends – I like to think this too.
• You spend a long time blow-drying your hair – Yes, I have a ton of hair and the biggest round brush on the market. And it takes me for-EV-er to dry and smooth it all.
• You don’t drink very much, but when you do, you get out of control – Unfortunately this is true for 2 reasons. “I don’t drink very much” in that I don’t drink very often anymore and “I don’t drink very much” in that it only takes 2 drinks me to be at my limit.
• I see beer drinker for some reason – This person followed Appletini guy. And he was correct. I’m a simple, domestic light beer kind of girl. A very cheap date.
• You are a pretty good cook – I’m trying. I like to think some component of it is genetic because my parents are fabulous cooks.
• It's important to you to make your parents proud – Absolutely. They never pushed me into any certain kind of occupation when I grow up or discouraged me from anything. Unfortunately, I made all of these decisions myself and let my fears guide me away from other things. I’m getting better at becoming more fearless and still making them proud.
• You are quick to make friends but once someone falls outside of your favor, they can never get back in because you can hold a grudge like no one's business – I wish this wasn’t true, but it is. I am seriously lacking in the forgiveness department.
• You wear the pants in the relationship. And the shirt – Yes, I am outwardly bossy in my relationship, but he's the boss when he needs to be.

Suffice it to say that these are my areas I can improve on. But in the meantime, prior to self-improvement, these are the areas I can exploit when making my first impression and telling my first joke.